Why are Dating Apps so Depressing?

I wake up every Monday and Wednesday at 4 in the morning so that I can get ready for the opening shift at my minimum wage job at the campus recreation facility. I serve as the bridge between members and the fulfillment of their equipment needs. Basically, I check out towels and basketballs. But before I can open the hearts of the guests with an early morning smile, I begin my day with a bowl of cereal and a look at the latest messages on my various dating apps.

Most of the time there isn’t much to look at. The messages I have received while I slumbered can range anywhere from a new person seeking my attention to an old hook up trying to see if I’m “looking” for the night. I continue scrolling through the various pictures and messages, searching for that one that will spark my interest and cause me to take a leap of faith into the arms of a stranger. Predictably, no such message exists and I slump over my Cinnamon Toast Crunch, defeated once again by the virtual dating world.

This is a cycle that I find myself in more and more as I continue to use dating apps, such as Grindr and Tinder. Trying to find a connection in the virtual world can be depressing and soul sucking. Messages go ignored on both ends, everyone lies on their profile to sound more interesting, and at the end of the day, that torso on Grindr is really only interested in where you’re at and if you can “host.”

Is the logo a skull because this app will suck the life out of you?
Photo courtesy of Google Images

But why are dating apps so depressing? What happened to the simple days when pairs were made outside locker rooms? As long as both parties were content with the match, you could have a boyfriend/girlfriend in no time. But why do these applications take away that simple side of dating? Because dating apps create a potent mixture of destroying romanticism while simultaneously reminding us of every flaw we have.

These apps have brought about the end of fantasies and dreams that have been with us since our childhoods. Think about it, since we were wee tots the idea of finding true love at the drop of a hat has been pounded into our brains. We have all had that fantasy that we would meet someone and find a connection to another human being in the most romantic way possible. Dating apps have taken away that romantic aspect of spontaneously meeting another single human being. What is so romantic about picking and choosing the best looking abs in a line up of men? Nothing.

When you have to choose someone from a list of people on an app it feels more like you’re picking the best brand of shoes that you would like to potentially try on and have for a week or two before returning them for store credit. It’s empty. There is no fire, no passion that comes from a smart phone screen. You can’t hear the excitement in someone’s voice when they discuss their pastimes, or the love they have for their favorite sports team. These things have to be added to the conversation by your own mind, rendering the dialogue completely one-sided. Interactions with someone you’re interested in on an app can feel disjointed, and lifeless. Conversations don’t feel as urgent as they do when meeting in person, because there is no sense of I have 5 minutes before the barista finishes my coffee order and I need to find out everything I can before he/she disappears forever because then I could have a chance to see him/her again.

That romanticism is further destroyed by the idea that everyone on the app has to be picked by someone. Dating apps are like the stereotypical gym scene in an elementary school. Everyone who you think is attractive, funny, and cool gets paired up together while you are left on the sidelines wondering when someone will pick you to play on their team. Except in this scenario you continue to send notes to the cool kids and they continue to throw them in the trash without looking at them. And this selection of people adds to the heavy weight sitting on you, because you know that you won’t get picked by the one you want because of some, unforeseen reason.

Ever since high school, when we would hear the horrible things people thought about us, we have been afraid of people judging us. Even those who say they don’t care, have at one time in their life been terrified that they were ultimately put on a scale and scrutinized by another human being for some facet of their personality or looks or whatever. The plus side of high school, was that we would tend to hear these things second-hand from friends or people who overheard the nasty things others would say about us. A majority of the time we didn’t have to take the judgment at face value, and we could shrug it off. But with a dating app, that judgment is thrown in your face, no matter how hard you try to avoid it. It’s inevitable that the minute someone ignores your message you start listing all your flaws and the things you heard in high school: too fat, too skinny, rude, not funny, mean, annoying, etc., etc. Flaws are magnified in your head when people are rejecting you left and right.

Dating apps are not perfect, that’s to say the least. But to write them off entirely would be wrong as well. They do offer the opportunity of connecting with someone you wouldn’t normally connect with, and it extends the playing field for the single members of society. In some cases, like Grindr and Jack’d, people who may be in the closet or questioning their sexuality can find a safe space to explore and find what they really want, something they wouldn’t be able to accomplish in the physical world. And some extremely lucky people really do find love and happiness by using these apps, and to them I say, kudos. To the rest of us I say, carry on.

While I have deleted my dating apps numerous times, I continue to go back to them. My morning routines wouldn’t be the same without reading five different “hellos” from the same guy. And while, I haven’t personally been able to completely eradicate dating apps from my life, I still try to hold on to that romantic notion that one day, when I’m handing someone a towel, or getting my coffee at Starbucks, I’ll meet someone and know that there could be potential there. I won’t let Grindr take that away from me completely.